a new low _ 12.04.03

have you ever turned in a project, paper, etc or called it completed when you know it's not excellence? okay, yea, so have i. there have been instances where i was only half-anal. today, i reached a new low.

i have never - until today - turned in something that wasn't just less than my best.... no, i was ashamed of it. my term paper for my loathesome american govt class. ashamed..... ashamed!  that may not mean much to you reading it here, or if you don't understand my perfectionistic attitude and craving for excellence.

i was ashamed of this paper.

**let me postface this [and preface for all talk that will soon commence] - i've technically known about this paper since the beginning of the semester - it's on the syllabus. but! we didn't have the actual topic until the beginning-ish of november... still, i understand that there is absolutely no reason why this paper should have been to my shame. i am so slack this semester and i just hate politics so it's kind of this double whammy [no whammy! no whammy! - do you remember that game show? they used to give away cool stuff, like boats... and stuff] but it's totally my fault! moving on....

it's so sad too, cuz the weekend before thanksgiving i was going to work on it a bunch - i did get started on it, but neglected it all thanksgiving weekend [thankfully the teacher moved the due date to today instead of tuesday or i would not have gotten it done - busy weekend] then tuesday i planned to work on it - art and i went to michael's cuz i needed some art supplies, we subsequently went to wal-mart and target in search of a silly pencil box... anyway... i went to the library after that, but i couldn't stay awake! i was falling totally asleep at 10:30 - aahhhhh! this stuff was so boring. so i gave up at the library and went to bed.

then last night i went to the acc lab to work on it after the young life christmas party [so good!] i got there at 11:40ish [i had to go develop some film first] and proceeded to type up some notes [which turned out to be a waste of time - had i done it two weeks ago, it might have been helpful]. a friend of mine came in and sat down at the computer next to me - we'll call him clemson. we talked a minute then he got to work. another friend came to the unit on the other side of me a few minutes after that, we talked a minute then he hooked up his headphones and went to work - we'll call him transfer kid. i remembered that i was going to call my all-knowing political science buddy and have him help me figure out what the heck is going down in iraq since that's what my paper is related to and i have no clue. so i called him [this is about 12:30 now] and summoned him to the acc. he came - we'll call him dante. he gave me some advice on the situation and the paper. then, as clemson and dante became engrossed in conversation - both teasing me because i'd written absolutely nothing for this paper. we continued to have a random relaxed conversation/chill time until 2 am when the lab closed. i still had nothing... except [props to dante] a calculation of the possibilities for my final grade in this class based on an F, D or C on my paper. i don't think i'll fail this class - it's pretty much down to a B or C - depending on the paper [which was still unwritten at the time] and my final exam. dante - the ultimate procrastinater - encouraged me that all would come together.

i worked on the paper for a bit in my room - ate a ton of those ring-butter cookies cuz i was starving. i got an idea of where i wanted to go, then took a break since i was starting to doze. i ended up 'taking a nap' at 3 am - i planned to get back up at 6 to write. i kept waking up, kept not forcing myself to get out of bed, finally woke up at 8:15. blast! i had a class at 9 that i needed to go to. the paper was due at 12:30. i sat for about 10 minutes at my computer trying to figure out what to do. i calculated my grade - if i didn't turn in the paper at all i would fail the class. i thought fleetingly about calling dante up and asking to use one of his hobby essays that he jokingly offered the night before - but i couldn't even seriously consider cheating like that. i was totally demoralized - almost in tears because i had no clue what to do and did not have time to write a paper. i worked on it for 30 minutes before going to my 9 oclock. after i got all the information i needed i left - early, at 11. i worked solidly on my paper from 11ish til 1:30 - i skipped my am.govt. class to write the paper and was able to catch my professor in the hall after the class was over to hand it in.

though i reread as i wrote, i hadn't even proofread it. i know that i probably cited some things incorrectly. and on top of all that, the paper was vague and undeveloped - bona fide crap. there was no other option - perhaps it'll fly - i'm hoping at least for a D - it hurt to turn in that paper. i care very much for my writing and that paper is a pathetic reflection on the quality of my writing and on me personally and i hate to think about what my teacher will think of me after reading that pile of bull chips.

nevertheless, i'm glad to have it done and turned in. i'm planning to do some study grouping for that final. just as long as i pass the class - it'll stink to have a low grade, but it won't hurt the gpa enough to jeopardize my scholarship.

it was just the strangest thing this morning to realize that i had wasted a little too much time. panic. hopelessness.

i have got to get past the slackness. schoolwise, the semester hasn't been that taxing. but emotionally and in every other way it's been quite the struggle. now that things are beginning to come together and be resolved i think i'm in freedom/bring on the christmas/bring on the break mode. i know a lot of people who are feeling fed up and ready for the break and a new semester.

it's been around 36 degrees all day today... cold!! especially since it's been 70s/warm until this past weekend. there was threat of ice last night and possibility of snow before christmas break.... that would sure be something.

i put up my little christmas tree today... complete with abominable snowman star on top... it rocks. i've gotten a bazillion comments on it already. i'll put a picture at the end for your viewing pleasure.

in happier news, both my painting and photo final project due dates have been pushed back [mon to weds, and tues to fri, respectively] ahhhh.... i can breathe. it really does thrill me, cuz i have some serious work to get done.... but i'd rather work on projects than papers anyday.

last night in the acc, at about 1:30 in the morning [when everything is halarious] clemson came up with an idea that, after he shared it with us, dante and i were busting up for a couple minutes. serious laughter... b/c of the threat of ice, everyone and their suitemate was hoping that it would ice and classes would be cancelled. so clemson suggests that we go on the roof with a paper shredder , toss the paper peices in front of the window and tell everyone in the lab that it's snowing. not only would their reactions be halarious, but it would be interesting to see how long it took for them to hunt clemson down and beat the snot out of him.

the joke definitely loses some effect here, but the delivery last night was priceless. we had a good guffaw over that one. hehe....

well, i've definitely been able to relax some today since the paper has been turned in. the plan for tonight is girl's night at the $1 theatre... a little pirates of the carribbean action -- mmmmm... warm sun and ocean. definitely not in the forecast for rock hill. it should be a fun time....

oh, word to the wise [i don't know how katfucious could handle this one] - don't EVER eat 20+ butter cookies at 2:30 in the morning. it messed me up, man.

wonderful wacky whirlwind weekend 11.18.03

what a wild title... it started out as a simple statement about my whirlwind weekend but the intrigue of the alliteration of ws was too much to resist... mm mm mm... good stuff.

my weekend was absolutely all of those things. 'can a weekend really be all that?' you ask. and i tell you - yes! yes it can! let's work backwards through the title, kapeesh?

weekend: the adjectives describe a collection of dates, friday nov 14 to sunday nov 16.... these days of the week are typically referred to as the weekend (true, friday is considered a weekday by most, but to the college student, the weekend begins after the last class on friday.... unless, of course, said student has no classes on friday or chooses to skip said classes - the weekend for these students would begin on thursday by default - i do have a class on friday from 10-10:50... e.g. my weekend begins friday at 10:51) ... we press on. friday-sunday, my weekend.

whirlwind: on friday i had to be at the church at 4 to practice for night of worship. it actually started at 8 and went til 9:30. from there, two friends, art and travis, and i left to drive south a state to serve meals at a young life camp for the weekend - a good 4.5 hour trip. we got on the road about 10, we arrived at 3:30 a.m. [for all you math majors and smart people out there, the hour discrepancy you may have noted in trip times will be addressed in the 'wacky' section of the run-down]. we got up at 7:15 for breakfast at 8, worked from 1 til 10ish, hung out with the rest of our group who had traveled down earlier that day, got to bed by 1:30 a.m. sunday we woke at 7, worked from 8 til 12:30ish and were on the road again by 1:15, arriving back at ye olde university about 6:45 after dropping travis off.

wacky: so it's kinda wacky that we leave at 10pm, knowing that we won't arrive until at least 2am, planning to work all the next day. thankfully my man travis came along for the ride - he navigated and kept art awake, thus making it possible for me to sleep in the backseat. i hadn't really planned to sleep, but i was definitely tired and the 1.5-2 hour nap on the road really helped. i woke up somewhere along the detour from A-ch, ee, duble hockey stick. when you're in the mountains, a detour is no small trek. we found ourselves praying from detour sign to detour sign - hoping that we were still on the right road, that it really was a detour, and that it really was going to put us back in the correct general location. after 20 minutes of winding through 2 lane, barely lit backroads and a near run-in with two dogs who thought it practical to lay in the middle of said unlit, windy roads, we finally found some civilization - a gas station. while art got somethin to drink, travis asked for directions... who said guys never stop for directions? [of course, this was after a huge-ola detour and 30 minutes of winding .. hehe] we did - hallelujah - finally make it to the camp, safe and tired at 3:30am, baby! sleep. nuf said.

other wackiness... art and i were working together preparing stuff for dinner that night. between us, we fixed 5 huge pans of baked beans, 8 or 9 more pans of pork, dished out over 10lbs of coleslaw and cracked 60 dozen eggs... oh yes, my friend, you read it right - SIXTY dozen eggs!! now that is wacky.

before we went to bed after hanging out with our whole group, we decided to play a few rounds of mafia. the third round of play was a 15 minute shouting match between several of the guys... all in fun and an unbelievably hilarious. at one point, in the midst of the laughter and shouting and confusion, fravalicious* spontaneously dove across the two tables separating him from charles-in-charge* - slidding into a chair on the other side, narrowly avoided the ground and proceeded to shout charles-in-charge into the corner. side-splitting, and, oh so wacky.

*these names have been changed to protect the identity of the factual persons. 

wonderful: i got to be in the mountains for two days. and as if that wasn't enough, there's more! it was a blast preparing all the tons of food for 350 hungry high-schoolers. it was great being able to work, listenin to music - groovin in the kitchen. hangin out with friends, serving together - even just the serving was so neat! so unlike anything i've ever done. praying over the food as we prepared it - for the kids who would be eating it, for the things they were hearing that weekend - that God would just move in them and satisfy their deeper hunger. it was fun meeting some new people, spending time with our head chef/kitchen buddy, damon, and hearing about his history with young life. and it was a great thing to just see young life in action. i've never been to one of the camps before, and to see how a piece of it runs was so cool. mostly it was great to be reminded and reinspired by the mission of young life - their passion for excellence and their heart for lost kids.

we worked a lot, and we were there to give. the job was meticulous and sometimes tedious, but i left there so renewed and encouraged. 

A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed. proverbs 11:25